So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
