My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
