Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
