he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
