Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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