They should really pass out barf bags in church
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
There's a naked man in my car right now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
