Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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