I am midnight drunk by noon
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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