Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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