I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
