these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
