I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
