ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
