i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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