I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
