Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
