I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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