I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
