today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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