You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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