My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Randomize
