Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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