So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
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