she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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