We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
