life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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