I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
3 2 1 whiskey
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
