my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
