the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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