Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
