i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My first STD was from a foam party
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
