Cold hands, warm shart.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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