I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
