you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
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