all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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