my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
