I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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