I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
