Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
