I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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