I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
