mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
This house was built for laser tag.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
