I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
