My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Pooping to opera.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
