i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
