All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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