if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
