i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
