he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
