Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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