Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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