if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
