We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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