Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize